Little Bill

Three things:

1) I have been without glasses for three weeks. I am so excited to get them back tomorrow!!!

b) My local Chinese restaurant must’ve changed their eggrolls recipe. They have CRACK in them now, they’re so good.

iii) I have awesome friends.

Δ) I lied, I have four things. NIN surprisingly helped cheer me up. Opposite of intended effect but AWESOME. It’s the awesome beats.

No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
— Eleanor Roosevelt

- - -

Since before my thirtieth birthday, the road has been bumpy. Add on to that a very unsettled stomach and you have an unhappy Little Bill. But with some soul-searching, some serious self-examination, I’ve found that making changes in my life isn’t that difficult.

A recent self-taught lesson is that nothing good comes from a grudge; and that a bruised ego is to be left to those less able to deal with how things are. So I’ve reconciled with some people in my past, found some closure with others, and this self-change is right on schedule.

I wrestled with writing about this for a while. I even posted — and subsequently deleted — a long-winded email about, to, and defending myself from someone incredibly special to me who seems to have written me off as a friend. I’d composed entire blog entries about poor-weather friends. Tirades and rants were discarded. Apologies and pleads deleted. I did my share of reaching out. No one reached back. And really, that’s fine. It’s not the way I’d have seen things go, but I try and live under the philosophy that one shouldn’t worry about the things over which they have no control.

So I won’t.

I’ll miss some of the habits — such as reaching into my pocket to make a walk-from-home call — but that’s okay. Life changes and we adapt. Self-worth is independent from our environments. We are in control of ourselves. Thunderclouds do not equal gloom.

So, I pick myself up and hold my own head high with dignity. I know myself; I know my own value. No one can take that from me. Not even the people I love. The judgments can come. I don’t need someone to hold my hand to tell me that I’m okay. Because I know I am.

And it’s that thought, two blocks from the subway, that came to my mind as I pocketed my phone. And suddenly, like before, the cadence in my footsteps matched the beat in my music.

my cold glass of scotch
whispers to me — lullaby
to forget the day

…of how much I enjoy haiku. How did I forget? Too much going on I guess. The cool breezes of autumn must be appreciated.

- - -

friendships benefit
not the ones who speak most; but
those who listen best

Holy CRAP! I’m THIRTY!

(typed from a twin-sized bed in my parents’ "guest room ")

more to come when I’m not coming off a seven hour that was supposed to be four hour drive…

Ok, clock Zz’s…

I will lose you. It is written
into this poem the way
the fisherman’s wife knits
his death into the sweater.
—Gregory Orr

Here’s an update on the creative block for those of you keeping score…

I’m up and writing again. Started a short film. About a third of the way through it. There’s still much to write — except I’m not quite sure where the story’s going to go. I broke every rule I know about writing (again.) I just sat down and let the words pour out of me. What I got was the beginnings of a story. I don’t have a beginning and I certainly have no idea yet on how to conclude the story.

I should take a step back and develop the characters a bit more, and try and identify the conflict. Then from there maybe put together an outline — including what I’ve already written — and map out where I’m going. It’ll probably prove to be more productive than lying in bed trying to daydream out the rest of the story before falling asleep.

I end up just sleeping.

I do have to admit, little bits do come together and baby steps of progress are being made… so there is some optimism. Those of you who would like to read what I’ve written so far and offer up some suggestions are more than welcome to email me privately (or comment here and I’ll send you the script in PDF format) — but no requests without feedback and suggestions!

“I like it!” isn’t going to be enough. :)