Little Bill

I suppose I should really call this this half-year in review, as the first half of this was incredibly quiet. But since April, I’ve been measuring time in month-long blocks. It seems as if every event in the last year seems to fall into one of these spans of time. Some two or three month-long blocks, but never any shorter.

This year I’ve gained new friends and loves. What’s distressing are the names and faces who have drifted away into obscurity. Some of whom have let me go and other whom I have discarded. I wonder about that, when thinking about these blocks of time, if I’ve filed people away into these kind of slots as well, like baseball card sleeves.

Are we like kids with baseball cards? Collecting the ones we like and tossing the rest? And what do we do with facsimiles? Do we compare the two and throw away the one that’s literally a little bit rougher around the edges?

Fortunately, if I were to measure the year in terms of gains and losses, I’m happy to announce that I have come out in the plus. The horizon for the coming year looks promising and I’m looking forward to what’s ahead. All problems have their solutions, most of them can resolve themselves on their own. My only resolution this year is, if I find myself questioning that which I cannot handle, to fill in the blanks. The rest will work itself out naturally.

The thing about uncertainty is that it’s like a fungus: you’ve no idea it’s growing until it’s too late. It creeps and creeps and there you stand; suddenly doubting that which, only moments earlier, you were completely confident about. Or perhaps you were confident about it?

And then you find yourself in the situation where the certainty is, for once, all you’ve got. A balance has been struck; your counterpoint is in its place and then suddenly, out of the blue, forces move to counteract the equilibrium you have finally found yourself in.

It’s surprising how quickly I was able to identify these external influences as contrived. I was asking myself if I was the uncertainty or was it always here? Did I fear that I, too, have one foot holding the door open? But I think I’m just fearing that, once again in my life, the sum is greater than the parts. I have incredible difficulty accepting anything could be bigger than me, whether I can rationalize it or not. And yet it is. And I should not fear that, but embrace it.

There’s always a requisite span of time where I find myself ruminating before I’m ready to talk about the holidays. Family is very important to me, but it often feels as if I’m the only one within it who shares this sentiment.

Somewhere in the last decade that feeling seems to have faded away from my household, with only a modicum of that spirit remaining. I cannot recall the last time we had a tree up and decorated. Christmas eve dinner was homemade bulgogi — Korean BBQ — and I cooked my chicken rigatoni alla vodka recipe on Christmas day.

My father and I took the time to prepare the meal, set the table, and put forth the effort to make it very nice. When dinner was called, my brothers and one of their girlfriends — mom was at work unfortunately — came into the kitchen, served themselves, and scattered about the house, only to plop down onto the couch with plates in hand in front of the television. That I’m even complaining about the holiday leaves me sad.

It leaves me sad that I had a nicer holiday spent instant messaging and on the phone with friends spread across the country. Without them, the holiday would have been a total bust.

The phrase is supposed to be friends and family, right? Not just one or the other.

Good afternoon, Agent Bill.

I trust your week has been restful. After your previous assignments the powers that be at LB:2 arranged for some rest and rehabilitation. However we cannot keep our best agent out of the action for too long.

That said, we have an assignment for you. There is a new rogue agent on the loose. Her codename for this mission is The Rogue Fanny. Her base of operations is unknown, as is her modus operandi. However what we do know is that she is out on the loose and is relaying intelligence to a competing organization. Our people have intelligence that Agent Fanny has expressed interest in defecting to LB:2.

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, will be to track down and observe Agent Fanny. The objective is to observe her actions and, assuming her sympathies lie with us, to engage and accompany Agent Fanny across the border.

While we cannot authorize the usage of deadly force in this matter, you are to use any means necessary, aside from deception — we cannot risk losing her — to ensure that Agent Fanny’s knowledge, talent and skills do not fall into the wrong hands.

This is a more difficult challenge than you may realize, Bill. Rogue Fanny’s powers of charm are considerable. You will require all of your wits and skills to succeed in this mission.

Good luck, Bill.

This mission will self-destruct in five seconds.

5… 4… 3… 2…

I’ve been struggling with this post for a few days now. It was riddled with clichés and, later, analysis of them rather than the topic itself. And what exactly is the topic that I’m getting at? Breaking a promise.

You could see how I’d get into spending more time analyzing the clichés rather than write about the topic. My word is my bond, a promise is a promise, and blah blah blah. It was my way of avoiding writing about it just the same as I’m avoiding the action itself.

But that’s what I have to do. I have to break a deal with someone and risk my reputation as an honest and honorable man. Here I am on this site, writing about how I’m not a person of half-measures and then playing the hypocrite, doing exactly that: not following through on my own commitment.

I came to my decision when weighing options. I’d found myself at the end of my rope. I’d felt backed into a corner. Cliché, cliché, cliché. And I needed to get out. I was unhealthy and I needed to get out of a bad situation that would only have gotten worse.

So here I am, about to break a promise, and I hate having to do so. It was a poor decision in the first place. It was a lesson I have learned and will continue to remind me as I make new deals in the future.

I’m not looking forward to the conversation I’ve got to have tomorrow.